Final Hospital Admission?

(Mirroring our Caring Bridge Journal http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal )

As I write this, Andrea and Daniel are heading out the driveway on the way back to the hospital.  If his blood counts are good enough, he'll be admitted for his fourth & last PLANNED hospital admission and the end of this phase of chemotherapy ("Interim Maintenance").  I'll join them a bit later today after getting some things done around the house, and will be spending most of the weekend and the next couple nights in the room with Daniel.

As with the previous admissions, he'll get a rather large dose of a drug called Methotrexate through an IV over the next 24hrs.  We then take blood samples every 6 to 12 hrs to see how it's clearing.  Once it's below a certain point, he's allowed to go home.  But due to the nasty nature of the drug and the potential of his body not clearing it (kidneys shutting down, etc.) they have to watch him constantly while its in his system.  If all goes well, we should be back home Monday or Tues.

Daniel was pretty upset about today's admission last night and was even in tears at one point.  Despite the fact that there's no spinal tap procedure this time around, he HATES anything to do with the hospital or doctors anymore. Who can blame him?  I read Daniel 3 to him and prayed with him and he fell fast asleep.  This morning he seemed in good spirits, but that can change in an instant if he lets himself start thinking too much about it.

When I questioned him about it last night, he said he was worried about the NEXT phase.  Frankly, that one worries me too.  We get a week off in between, but the name of it is "Delayed Intensification" if that tells you anything.  The nurses have said (in front of him) that even though his hair has been coming back in well, this is the phase that often will knock it completely out. That's a big deal for him and we're praying that it doesn't happen.  It'll be another 2 months of weekly outpatient clinic visits with LOTS of drugs being pumped into him.  Then, finally, we'll get to the "Maintenance" phase that will continue for another 3 years with monthly visits, lots more spinals (28 of them I count), more steroids, and just more stuff than any of us wants to think about. 

If all goes according to schedule, today is day T-1039 (counting down). It was pretty depressing this past week when I put together a day-by-day schedule for the rest of his treatment plan.  Seeing how many more times he'll be given each type of drug (28 spinal injections, 180 more days of steroids, 1000 days of Mercaptopurine, etc.) - wow. 

As much as we'd like to think it's all smooth sailing after we get through this next intense phase, well, it's not.  It's gonna be 3 more years of cancer, chemo hell for Daniel. "Normal" will change a bit from what it is now, but not that much.  What will however remain the same is our Rock, our Comforter, our Ever Present Help in Trouble, our Fourth Man in the fiery furnace. 

Other than the obvious, my SECOND most important on-going prayer is that this opportunity will not be wasted.  It's SO EASY to want to forget about everything, to just kind of go into denial on the good days and forget about it all.  And there's nothing wrong with that. In many ways, it's necessary and healthy.  Unfortunately, it's also all too easy to lump God in with that process.  In so many ways, God and prayer, and leaning on Him has become almost synonymous with cancer and hosptials and chemotherapy through these past 7 months.  We've spent so much time in prayer and petition to God as part of the cancer trial, that on the good days, it's far too easy to want to forget about HIM for awhile too.  It's awful, it's wrong, it's stupid, but we're fighting against our own mind-games and defense mechanisms here.

What I really, REALLY want is for all of us, but especially Daniel, to draw close to our Father - to learn to see Him as a Best Friend; Someone to draw close to in both the hard and the joyful times - to see the MANY sides of His personality and love and character through the truly amazing variety of experiences that have already and continue to come our way during these 3 years.  But it's largely up to me to model that, to help Daniel process all that happens, to help him make this a learning and growing experience. Despite the horrible nature of these events, I'm also convinced it can be, and is INTENDED to be, an amazing and powerful classroom of opportunity for all 3 of us.  Heavenly Father, PLEASE don't let me waste this opportunity!

Thank you, everyone, for your continued prayers, support, and kind messages.  Please know for certain that we read and appreciate every single one and they have a powerful effect on us all.

Grace and peace.