On the Eve of Battle

Mirroring our CaringBridge post: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal

As I write this, Daniel has just gotten to sleep after fighting it all night, not wanting to face the morning.  Yesterday evening was an even bigger battle as the weekend came to a close and he began to get caught up in anxiety about Tuesday's clinic appointment.  Our week-long hiatus is now over after his bout with the flu last weekend.  And tomorrow (Tues) morning will be our next try at starting the last major phase of treatment.  However, it is "count dependent" (his blood cell counts will have to be above a certain level in order to start the treatment).  

Personally, I'll be really surprised if they are high enough. He's still had a bad cough throughout the past week and Andrea has REALLY been down hard with it (exposing all of us to the same bug continually).  If Daniel's counts are high enough after this past week, it'll be a minor miracle in itself.  We're all of very mixed emotions about it.  We'd like to see him have a chance to rest more, but we also want to get moving and get this over with!

However, the blood counts are always a 50/50 shot and completely unpredictable - so who knows.  But once we hit that magic number, we'll be jumping off into what we HOPE is the last really major battle of this war.  There will be no more "count dependent" holds along the way and after this phase, we're into "maintenance" which is at least a LITTLE bit easier.  Of course, there is always the danger lurking of ongoing side effects, infections, or even a relapse. So we take nothing for granted.

When this last portion does start, it's going to be a tough 4 weeks for Daniel.  It will involve 3 spinal taps, 2 rounds of 4-day home chemo treatments, and another face-off with the 18 injections in his legs (6 days of 3-shots each spread over 1-1/2 weeks), plus several other IV infusions and oral chemo drugs along the way.  It's no wonder he's dreading it.  The huge numbers of needles he's seen over the past 8 months have done nothing to lessen his dread of them, and his battles with nausea have been increasing lately, and none of us are really sure which drugs or combinations of drugs cause that to happen yet.

In addition to staring this enemy in the face, he's now lost nearly all of his hair.  Andrea talked him into getting it cut short (a military cut), and while that is almost certainly a better way to go, it's also had the effect of making the little bit he has left appear almost unnoticeable.  It was already sparse and is so thin and light in color that it appears almost gone.  Closer examination does indeed show large bald spots, and only very thin patches left everywhere else.  It's bothering him a lot and had him in tears last night as he really wrestled with the fear of what lay ahead as he was going to bed.

If you've been following along, you'll note that we've been going through a new interest in WW-II things.  This began with a new video game for his Wii that I bought for him, but I've been capitalizing on it with other things as well.  Last night we finished watching the mini-series "Band of Brothers", and tonight we went through a bunch of the Special Features stuff in the DVD package.  I tried to capitalize on this as we talked last night and tonight.  I told him that anybody who knows ANYTHING about cancer or chemo therapy understands why your hair is falling out.  It's not something of shame, it's a testament to your courage and to all the difficulty you've been through to those who see you.  It is your "Medal of Honor" that you earned in battle and you should be proud of it, not ashamed of it or embarrassed by it.  I saw a tear roll down his cheek as I said these things and talked about using God's Word, Armor, and Weaponry that He's given us to "set up defensive perimeters around our hearts and minds" (Eph 6:10-18; Phil 4:6-7), and taking enemy thoughts that try to attack us as "prisoners" and sending them back to HQ (2 Cor 10:5).  I don't know what the tear meant and I didn't dig.  I talked to him about the "Peace that passes understanding" and "resisting" our enemy so that he would flee from us (Jas 4:7), and keeping our eyes peeled for the escape route that God provides for us (1 Cor 10:13) until his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep.  

Some time, I'll talk to him more about what's going on underneath it all and whether my words helped at all. But for right now, I'm calling in for long-range artillery support ... that would be YOU dear readers.  

I've described the precise coordinates of our various enemies on the battle map and need you to take aim at them and let them have it.  We're pinned down at the moment and looking forward to being relieved after this next big battle.  The name of the town before us is "Delayed Intensification Phase - Part B" and we may very well be assaulting it in the morning ... or the attack may be postponed until we get enough replacements to get back up to our full compliment (of blood cells) before going in.  Either way, our objective is clear and there's no going back.  The only way to victory is FORWARD!  And our Commanding Officer has never lost a battle, so we'll leave the decision making to Him. We'll follow Him anywhere!!

Please forgive the military tenor here, but one day he'll read this and (I hope) appreciate it. :-)  Until then, whether this is reaching Daniel or not, it's at least been helpful for me to see things in this way as it helps keep perspective.  There are a number of enemies facing us at this point.  Call them cancer, chemotherapy, hair loss, fear, finances, stress and emotional distress, and even Satan himself.  But we have weapons, training, support, artillery (prayer partners), and close air support (the angels of heaven) at our Captain's command (Matt 26:53), and if we can keep focused on just following orders, then this battle too WILL be won.

Thanks for your indulgence, and thanks especially for the artill .. er ... prayer support!!  Now let's get some suppressing fire on those enemy positions and soften 'em up good so we can take this hill in the morning!!

Strength, Courage, and Honor,

- Tim -

P.S.  Please also remember to keep Joey and the Kellers in your prayers as well.  Their battle has been FAR more intense than ours and they are in desperate need of a good Cavalry charge right about now. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joeykeller