Celebrating a Major Milestone and God's Grace

Today we achieved a major milestone in Daniel's chemotherapy schedule. This afternoon, Andrea and Daniel went into Riley to receive the last 3 intramuscular injections of the last drug of the last division of the last intensive phase of chemotherapy.  We're a long way from being completely done with the chemo, but from here on out we'll be in what's called the "Maintenance" phase which, other than a few oral drugs, amounts to only one clinic visit a month.  All the really intensive stuff is now OVER!!!!  YIPPPEEEEEEE!!!!  :-D :-D :-D

Don't misunderstand me here, what remains is still not going to be easy.  We're in for more than 2-1/2 years of monthly visits, each one of which will include a spinal tap, a couple of IV chemo drugs, and ongoing oral meds including many rounds of steroids.  We're not out of the woods, but we do feel like we've just emerged from a very long, dark tunnel deep underground.  For that, we are VERY, very thankful!

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to figure out how best to celebrate this major event.  I consider it to be the 2nd most important milestone of the whole chemo course (the 1st of course being the end of it all - which will probably be Monday 4/27/2015 Lord willing).  Unfortunately, most of what I came up with hasn't really worked out ... at least not yet.  Over the coming days & weeks we'll still likely include a few more activities and a gift or two in celebration of his achievement.  But for tonight, our celebration amounted to a (very) nice dinner for the 3 of us and a short awards ceremony.  I'd intended to have a nice gift for him, but as it turns out, he probably didn't really want what I was going to get him anyway (thank you Lord that they weren't in stock today!)

I told Daniel he could pick any restaurant he wanted tonight - "the sky's the limit".  Well he came pretty close to hitting that limit, but we thoroughly enjoyed the nice meal downtown.  We wandered around the mall for a bit and then came home and I was frantically trying to put together an award (that I spaced doing earlier) before he got too tired.  I didn't make it.  By the time I had it ready, Andrea informed me he'd just gone up to bed.  I had to actually drag him back downstairs to do my little ceremony.  He wasn't very happy with that, but he did enjoy what I did for him.

Because of his new-found love of military things, I chose to award him with a genuine Purple Heart medal.  Now before all the vets jump on me about this, let me state a few things up front.  First of all, yes it's legal, I checked.  Second, this is in NO WAY intended to detract from or in any way even compare to those who have earned this honor in service to our country. You have our undying respect and gratitude and IMO the possession of a chunk of medal is not what grants one entrance to the true Order Of The Purple Heart.  Because I knew (and explained it anyway) that Daniel would understand these things, and because he has most legitimately also been wounded (countless times in countless ways) in a very real battle for his own life, and because of his own love for military things, I chose this honor as most befitting what he has been through. I know that it will be cherished and respected for what it really means as well as what it means to him personally and, for me, I believe it's a fitting gift.

What it's really meant to illustrate is that this has very definitely been a war ... a war no 10 year old should ever have to fight ... yet here we are and so we must be victorious.  The enemy may be firing bullets, mortars, and artillery rounds at us, but there are SEVERAL very real enemies with every real weapons, and they are just as lethal to my son's life.  Our enemies are both physical (cancer), emotional (fear, depression, defeat) and spiritual (Satan and his host) and any one of them could (and have attempted to) take our son's life on several occasions.  He bears the scars in his body (surgeries, broken bones, no hair, more needle pricks than you can count), in his emotions, and in his spirit, but he continues to press on.  Sometimes I've literally had to carry him back from the "front lines", other times, he's pushed forward in his own strength and courage, but the battles have been relentless and multi-fronted for over 9 months now.

I've believed for a long time, that this war was not really about cancer. In fact, crazy as it may sound, I actually believe he was healed back in January when we went to visit Solomon Wickey (check the blog history if you missed that story back at the beginning).  But for whatever reason, God did not give me the all-clear to stop the chemotherapy at that time, nor has He since.  We've been in this for the long-haul, not for the cure (I believe we've already received that directly from the Lord), but for the scars.  As crazy as that may sound, we need the scars - we all do.  We don't learn, grow, toughen up, gain patience, endurance, or experience, by having an easy life.  No athlete wins the prize after spending years sitting on the couch.  It takes years of discipline, self-sacrifice, "pummeling" the body into submission (as Paul put it), and enough difficulty to build a drive to want to win.  Likewise, no soldier wins the battle without months of training, discipline, and having his "comforts" stripped away until he is molded into a fighting machine that follows orders without hesitation and reacts to danger with courage, training, a fighting spirit.

Am I saying I think God caused these events to come into our lives? Absolutely not.  Bad things happen for lots of reasons - all of which can be traced back to the presence of sin and evil in the creation at some point, but not because God made it that way.  So we never blame God for bad things.  But yes, God does allow "bad" things to come into our lives, within certain boundaries (e.g. 1 Cor 10:13), and always in accordance with a plan for both our and His greater good and glory (Rom 8:28) IF and only IF we have trusted our lives into His hands (no such promises exist for those who have not given their lives to Christ).

So without going any deeper into the theology lesson (my theology class at the Bible college begins in January! lol :), the point here is that we know we're here for the lessons God wants to teach us.  I personally believe that the outcome is assured - thought that is not to say God isn't still in charge or can't change things around if we're not "getting it".  But we're trying hard to learn / absorb / be molded by all that He brings our way.  The greatest tragedy for a Christian going through a trial is NOT that we had to go through it - but if we go through it and don't learn anything ... don't allow God to shape us and teach us, and build our character through the midst of it.

If Hannaniah, Azariah, and Mishael (more commonly known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) had simply obeyed king Nebuchadnezzar, they could have avoided an absolutely awful trial. But then there would not have been a Daniel chapter 3 for us to read 2600 years later either. (Well OK, there would still be a 3rd chapter, but it would be about something else).  

So we continue to pray as best we can, and ask our prayer partners to join us this way also, not to pray for the trials to end before God's timing, but that we might get the most benefit out of them.  How awful it would be to go through all this and miss the lessons they were intended to teach us!!!

Ever so slowly, we are being changed in all this. We are learning to trust God; we are learning to "not sweat the small stuff", we are learning to trust that God really is in control of all things, at all times, in all ways. 

Our "near miss" this past Friday when Daniel & Andrea were in an auto accident was a good example of this.  They were driving north on our road and about to turn right into our drive way coming home from Daniel's chemo clinic appointment.  As she slowed (brake lights and turn signals all working and on), the driver behind her was both talking on the phone, and (he says) fishing for something in his pocket ... i.e. not watching the road.  By the time he looked up, Andrea was nearly stopped in front of him.  He swerved to the right shoulder and off the road narrowly avoiding rear-ending our car.  He'd have gone completely around her if she hadn't been turning into the driveway.  But as the car turned, he hit the right, front fender - just a couple feet in front of Daniel's door!  Damage was minor, no one was hurt, the car is still driveable, and it was clearly his fault.  I was really fearful that this would freak out Daniel - who always seems to be just a heartbeat away from succumbing to the constant stress in his life anyway.  But quite to the contrary, as Andrea wrote in her earlier entry, Daniel thought it was "really cool" to have been in "his first accident".  Really?  REALLY?!  Well, thank you Lord - I can't imagine any other source of that kind of reaction.  He enjoyed even more that the police officer that showed up was a K-9 unit and Daniel got to say hi to the dog and check out the SUV cruiser for awhile.

Further demonstrating that this was in God's hands from beginning to end, as they were pulling into the driveway in the first place, she was having to navigate around a delivery truck parked there.  For a week or two prior, my cousin in Tennessee had been emailing with me to arrange a gift to get to Daniel from a woman in her prayer group that had been praying for Daniel for some time.  She'd felt led to get Daniel a gift and we'd been going through the logistics of what kind of gift, shipping, timing, all that.  And both these completely unrelated chains of events came together in such a way that, one of the nicest gifts Daniel has ever received was there waiting for him to take his mind off this situation that COULD HAVE BEEN really bad within only split-second differences in timing or locations.  By the time I got home from work, they'd both forgotten completely about the accident and it's just been a non-issue for us entirely.  What an incredible "coincidence"! :-)  Of course not - God knew and has always known exactly what He was doing it and His timing is perfect in all things.  The more and the faster we all come to rely on that understanding, the better off and the better disciples we will be.

As always, thank you all for your continued prayers, thoughts, notes, comments, and gifts.  

I added a couple pictures to the CaringBridge album - one of the damage to the car, and the other of Daniel receiving his purple heart. For more pics of each, visit our Facebook Album at the links below.

Grace and Peace,

- Tim -

Accident damage Pics:  https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151256007479913.517334.665739912&type=1&l=71b484b088

Purple Heart Award Pics: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151256015774913.517335.665739912&type=1&l=12e373849b 

Follow us on CaringBridge at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller

A Second Battle for the Same Town

Mirror post at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal

In World War-II, my Uncle Bob Slater was a member of the 94th Infantry Division, 302d, of Gen. George Patton's 3rd Army.  Shortly after the Battle of the Bulge ended, they were fighting hard in an area known as the Siegfied Line and every town was a really tough fight.  One town in particular I'm especially familiar with for reasons I'll come to later. It was the tiny town of Sinz near the German, France, Luxembourg borders.  It was a terrible battle and many men were killed, many more wounded during the fight.  But they took the town.

Within hours, they were informed that the armored company that had supported them was being detached (pulled out) for another engagement.  They knew they could not hold the town without the armor and had to retreat only to be faced with taking the exact same town again later ... at the expense of more lives of course.  They did take the town again and continued to push forward into Germany until the war was won only 4 months later.

Why do I go into all this on Daniel's page?  Because tomorrow (Wed 9/4/12) it feels like we're going into battle to take the same town for the second time.  Last week, we thought it would be the biggest of the battles we faced during this last intensive phase of his chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, because Daniel forgot he wasn't supposed to eat after midnight the night before, and his parents didn't realize the mistake, we had to postpone the worst part of the scheduled treatments ... the spinal tap.  Rather than pushing it back to late afternoon the same day, they just postponed the spinal a week since we were due to be back in the clinic anyway.  Even more unfortunately, this put the spinal on the same day as the first round of his shots piling up two of Daniel's most dreaded treatments.

If you've followed us through the beginning of this phase, you may recall that he had to endure six different treatments of 3 injections each, spaced 2 days apart.  I won't go back through the "whys" here, but suffice it to say, with Daniel's hatred of needles, he had a really tough time dealing with this treatment.  His other arch-nemesis is the spinal tap.  He has to be put under for this and recent experiences have left him much more nauseated and with a sore back than they did originally.  So while he was quite happy to postpone the spinal last week, here we are again staring at the same battle for the second time.  Only this time, we're also got a regular chemo IV plus the dreaded leg injections all piled together.  It's like taking the same town again, but this time they know we're coming!

He started struggling with anxiety on Sunday and had it even worse last night.  So far, some discussions about courage, spiritual armor, God's peace, and taking our thoughts "captive" have been able to turn things around for him. But I'm not looking forward to tonight as the evening wears on.

Tomorrow, if the battle goes as planned, we'll be through yet another spinal (only 23 more scheduled), another infusion of this drug (24 more scheduled), and the first of 6 sets of injections over the next week and a half (15 more injections).  It'll be a tough battle over the next 24 hours - in some ways, the actual procedures will be easier than the waiting period ahead of time.

I'm reminded of a line from the movie "The Lord Of The Rings" by the Hobbit named Pippin when he said, "I don't want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse."  I'm sure Daniel would agree!

I'm familiar with the first Battle for Sinz, on Jan 26th, 1945 because in it, my uncle Bob was mortally wounded, dying a week later at a field hospital.  It was tragic to learn that all the ground they'd won in the battle that claimed his life was lost again just a day later, yet ultimately I know his sacrifice was not in vain and the war was won. You can read a little bit about the battle here: http://www.angelfire.com/va2/worldwar2family/freddie4.html Scroll down to the entry titled: "SINZ: The Lynchpin". 

So too shall our war be won with Faith, Fortitude, Courage, and Perseverance.  Making advances against the enemy is never entirely in vain - even if we suffer the occasional set back.  It's not the ground we cover, it's the victories we win.  And if we win two victories for every loss on the same ground, we're still winning and still moving forward overall.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, support, and all the wonderful comments.  Rest assured we feel and appreciate every one (both prayers and comments ... but especially the prayers. :)  

For our prayer partners, the above text should provide plenty of prayer requests without my listing them again here.  Again ... THANK YOU. and may God bless each of you.

- Tim, Andrea, & Daniel -

Please also continue to pray for our friends The Kellers and their son Joey.  Read their updates here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joeykeller

On the Eve of Battle

Mirroring our CaringBridge post: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal

As I write this, Daniel has just gotten to sleep after fighting it all night, not wanting to face the morning.  Yesterday evening was an even bigger battle as the weekend came to a close and he began to get caught up in anxiety about Tuesday's clinic appointment.  Our week-long hiatus is now over after his bout with the flu last weekend.  And tomorrow (Tues) morning will be our next try at starting the last major phase of treatment.  However, it is "count dependent" (his blood cell counts will have to be above a certain level in order to start the treatment).  

Personally, I'll be really surprised if they are high enough. He's still had a bad cough throughout the past week and Andrea has REALLY been down hard with it (exposing all of us to the same bug continually).  If Daniel's counts are high enough after this past week, it'll be a minor miracle in itself.  We're all of very mixed emotions about it.  We'd like to see him have a chance to rest more, but we also want to get moving and get this over with!

However, the blood counts are always a 50/50 shot and completely unpredictable - so who knows.  But once we hit that magic number, we'll be jumping off into what we HOPE is the last really major battle of this war.  There will be no more "count dependent" holds along the way and after this phase, we're into "maintenance" which is at least a LITTLE bit easier.  Of course, there is always the danger lurking of ongoing side effects, infections, or even a relapse. So we take nothing for granted.

When this last portion does start, it's going to be a tough 4 weeks for Daniel.  It will involve 3 spinal taps, 2 rounds of 4-day home chemo treatments, and another face-off with the 18 injections in his legs (6 days of 3-shots each spread over 1-1/2 weeks), plus several other IV infusions and oral chemo drugs along the way.  It's no wonder he's dreading it.  The huge numbers of needles he's seen over the past 8 months have done nothing to lessen his dread of them, and his battles with nausea have been increasing lately, and none of us are really sure which drugs or combinations of drugs cause that to happen yet.

In addition to staring this enemy in the face, he's now lost nearly all of his hair.  Andrea talked him into getting it cut short (a military cut), and while that is almost certainly a better way to go, it's also had the effect of making the little bit he has left appear almost unnoticeable.  It was already sparse and is so thin and light in color that it appears almost gone.  Closer examination does indeed show large bald spots, and only very thin patches left everywhere else.  It's bothering him a lot and had him in tears last night as he really wrestled with the fear of what lay ahead as he was going to bed.

If you've been following along, you'll note that we've been going through a new interest in WW-II things.  This began with a new video game for his Wii that I bought for him, but I've been capitalizing on it with other things as well.  Last night we finished watching the mini-series "Band of Brothers", and tonight we went through a bunch of the Special Features stuff in the DVD package.  I tried to capitalize on this as we talked last night and tonight.  I told him that anybody who knows ANYTHING about cancer or chemo therapy understands why your hair is falling out.  It's not something of shame, it's a testament to your courage and to all the difficulty you've been through to those who see you.  It is your "Medal of Honor" that you earned in battle and you should be proud of it, not ashamed of it or embarrassed by it.  I saw a tear roll down his cheek as I said these things and talked about using God's Word, Armor, and Weaponry that He's given us to "set up defensive perimeters around our hearts and minds" (Eph 6:10-18; Phil 4:6-7), and taking enemy thoughts that try to attack us as "prisoners" and sending them back to HQ (2 Cor 10:5).  I don't know what the tear meant and I didn't dig.  I talked to him about the "Peace that passes understanding" and "resisting" our enemy so that he would flee from us (Jas 4:7), and keeping our eyes peeled for the escape route that God provides for us (1 Cor 10:13) until his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep.  

Some time, I'll talk to him more about what's going on underneath it all and whether my words helped at all. But for right now, I'm calling in for long-range artillery support ... that would be YOU dear readers.  

I've described the precise coordinates of our various enemies on the battle map and need you to take aim at them and let them have it.  We're pinned down at the moment and looking forward to being relieved after this next big battle.  The name of the town before us is "Delayed Intensification Phase - Part B" and we may very well be assaulting it in the morning ... or the attack may be postponed until we get enough replacements to get back up to our full compliment (of blood cells) before going in.  Either way, our objective is clear and there's no going back.  The only way to victory is FORWARD!  And our Commanding Officer has never lost a battle, so we'll leave the decision making to Him. We'll follow Him anywhere!!

Please forgive the military tenor here, but one day he'll read this and (I hope) appreciate it. :-)  Until then, whether this is reaching Daniel or not, it's at least been helpful for me to see things in this way as it helps keep perspective.  There are a number of enemies facing us at this point.  Call them cancer, chemotherapy, hair loss, fear, finances, stress and emotional distress, and even Satan himself.  But we have weapons, training, support, artillery (prayer partners), and close air support (the angels of heaven) at our Captain's command (Matt 26:53), and if we can keep focused on just following orders, then this battle too WILL be won.

Thanks for your indulgence, and thanks especially for the artill .. er ... prayer support!!  Now let's get some suppressing fire on those enemy positions and soften 'em up good so we can take this hill in the morning!!

Strength, Courage, and Honor,

- Tim -

P.S.  Please also remember to keep Joey and the Kellers in your prayers as well.  Their battle has been FAR more intense than ours and they are in desperate need of a good Cavalry charge right about now. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joeykeller  

No Piggy Flu Here!

Passing on Andrea's latest CaringBridge post on Daniel & us.
Mirrored from http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal

No piggy flu here!

Written by Andrea Miller

Quick update on Daniel.  He was put into quarantine at Riley pending the outcome of the cultures taken for bacterial and viral infections.  This meant we also had to be in a gown, mask and gloves the whole time we were with him in the room.  REALLY was not comfortable.  Don't know how Tim did it sleeping in that.  

He was released late Sunday afternoon as the bacterial cultures had not grown anything during the 24 hr time period needed.  He is still coughing and tired.  His hair, which had pretty much grown back, is now falling out by the fistful. His counts are still very low, but beginning to make a gradual come back.  His clinic apt. for this week was canceled since it was count dependent and was very unlikely his would be anywhere near the min.needed to begin the 2nd half of this phase of treatment.

Today Tim got a message from his Dr. that they did get a positive culture on the viral test.  He has Parainfluenza - mild case of the flu (go here for description:  

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002346    )
The description of his symptoms is right on target.  We are so thankful that he did not have the new strain of Swine Flu that they have been seeing at Riley.  There is no treatment for this, other than just watching to be sure cough doesn't worsen, temp doesn't go up again, or any other symptoms develop.  I too seem to have caught the same thing as I've been coughing a lot and had a runny nose and achy.  

He'll be very limited on activities as we minimize his exposure during recovery from this, as well as not expose any others to it.   Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for him and us.

Adding my own thoughts (Tim):

It was indeed a rough weekend at the hospital having to constantly be dressed in full gown, mask, & gloves - even sleeping that way.  Thankfully, Daniel's symptoms didn't worsen over the weekend. Unfortunately, they haven't really gotten much better either. And now it appears Andrea has it and it's trying to get me.  I felt lousy all day but trying to kick its butt with lotsa vitamins, good food & rest.  Usually I can stave off such things, but we'll see, the stress of recent events at home & work doesn't help.  

It's been rough watching Daniel turn back around and start losing all his hair again ... really fast!  It's everywhere and gets him really frustrated too find hand-fulls on his pillows and clothes. The doctor said it takes about a month after a particular chemo treatment before it actually starts making hair fall out, so we're seeing the effects of something he had a month ago - probably a drug called Doxorubicen, but even the doc wasn't 100% sure.  He had three treatments with the last one having been as recent as 8/1. So if the effects don't show up for a month, then all we're seeing now was just from the very first one.  So we're not holding out a lot of hope of keeping any of his hair this time.  He actually had 4 treatments at the start of all this back in January and he only lost about 1/2 or 2/3 of his hair.  But he's been through a lot more leading up to this time and some of the nurses have said it's common to lose it all on the 2nd round.  We'll see.  That will be hard on him.

During the stay in the hospital, Daniel discovered a WW-II video game they had for the Play Station 3 in his room that he really liked.  I bought him a used copy for his Wii at home as his "prize" for having had to be admitted (we always try to reward his bravery with a gift of some kind when he has to be admitted - it has helped a LOT to have something positive to look forward too.)  So he's REALLY been enjoying this game since we got home, and after 10 years of pestering from Dad, he's finally interested in something having to do with WW-II (a huge hobby / interest of mine).  So of course I've been capitalizing on this big time and it's been a lot of fun for us in the evenings alternating between watching old WW-II movies and playing his new game on the Wii.  :-)  Any moments of "fun" (not to mention togetherness) we can pull out of all the bad things going on in his life right now, I latch onto with both hands!

As Andrea described, we've delayed the start of the 2nd half of this final intensive phase for at least a week.  One last big push - about a month's worth - and we'll be into the Maintenance phase.  Even that's nothing particularly easy, but it's a lot better than what we've been through and, hopefully, will become routine fairly quickly.

As always, we so VERY much appreciate your thoughts and prayers. And we ESPECIALLY appreciated the entire Horizon Youth group dropping by on Sunday just as Daniel & I were coming home from the hospital.  They helped with cleaning the house and lots of yard work.  Please keep all of us in your prayers to get past the flu invasion at our place quickly, and for Daniel to get through this last month of intensive chemo as quickly and courageously as possible.  And of course, our standing prayer requests are always for complete healing, no complications, and for God to be glorified in all of this.

Please also remember to be praying for Joey, Elizabeth, and Nick Keller and to keep up with their CaringBridge site as well: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joeykeller

Grace and Peace to all,

- Tim -

Reflections on D-Day

Welcome to the 68^th anniversary of “D-Day”!  On this day in 1944, about 176,000 allied troops stormed the coasts of Normandy France in the largest amphibious invasion of all time as the Allied forces invaded mainland Europe in WW-II.

World War II began in the German invasion of Poland in 1939.  France had been under German control since its invasion began in May of 1940, ending only a month later.  The entry of the U.S. after the Pearl Harbor attack at the end of 1941 made it a true World War.  Now, nearly 5 years after its beginning and nearly 2 ½ years of round-the-clock bombing campaigns, allied forces were at last entering mainland Europe.  

In the very early morning hours of June 6, about 18,000 parachute and glider troops were dropped behind enemy lines.  At dawn, supported by over 11,000 aircraft, about 6000 ships and landing craft carried troops, armor, and supplies toward the shores of France.  The landing areas had been divided into code-named areas: Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno, and Sword.  Resistance was encountered at all the locations, but by far the worst was at Omaha beach where over 2000 casualties were sustained during the morning hours.  Total Allied casualties for this one day are estimated at over 10,000, including over 6600 Americans.  

Within 5 days (D+5), over 326,000 troops, 54,000 vehicles, and 104,000 tons of supplies had been landed on the continent and in less than a year, Hitler would be dead and the war in Europe over.  The formal surrender was signed on May 8th inaugurating "VE Day" (Victory in Europe).

If you can make time today or in the near future, the recent movies "Saving Private Ryan" and "Band of Brothers" do an excellent job of commemorating these events and giving at least some inkling of what took place that morning.   Let us remember … and teach our children to remember this day:  the courage, the sacrifices, the resolve, and the evil which made it necessary – lest we learn nothing from these awesome and awful events of history.

http://www.dday.org/

http://www.army.mil/d-day/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allied_invasion_of_Normandy

- Tim -