Remembering A Year Ago Today

It's hard to believe.  It seems at once like it was only a month ago and also like 10 years ago.  But exactly one year ago on this day (the 5th as I write this), Daniel went in for a scheduled doctor visit to a specialist at Riley Hospital for Children.  He'd been having a lot of awful symptoms for a month or more and I had had it with waiting around on doctors to take us seriously.  I let this doctor have an ear full of my frustration and she patiently listened to me and, thankfully, took me seriously.  She ordered an immediate blood test and called me back within a few hours after I'd returned to work.  She said she'd taken the liberty of scheduling another appointment for us the following morning for a bone marrow biopsy.  I was happy she was being so proactive.  Little did I know what she suspected.

The next day, Friday 1/6/2012, the biopsy test came back positive for leukemia and our entire world stopped cold.  My first blog entry here tells the story, titled, "Jan 6, 2012 - A Date of Infamy".  What a year it's been.  We're still trying to put together our "Christmas Letter".  I guess it's a "New Year's Letter" now, but it'll be out soon I promise.  (I'll post it here as well).

Tonight as I tucked Daniel into bed, I'm still checking his temperature, asking how he feels, and find myself fighting the urge to panic at every cough, or ache,  or decision to go to bed early.  I do my best never to show TOO much concern and to temper it with a few "manly" father-to-son responses such as: "Ahh - suck it up boy", or "Walk it off - you'll be fine".  But if I'm candid with myself (and you: my dear blog readers), the truth is it's a constant battle with anxiety and fear.  Watching the Kellers go through the hell they endured has certainly had an enormous effect on me as well.

This year has been filled with MANY lessons - most of which I'm probably not even aware of.  But if I were to name the single, greatest, most persistent challenge that's plagued me (and I presume Andrea as well, but I'll only speak for myself here) it's been the control of FEAR. 

Fear is the enemy.  Fear is a sin.  Fear is our mind saying to God, "I don't trust You with the future. Deep down I think You either can't or won't do what's best for me".  The Bible has a great deal to say about Fear.  It is insidious, and must be stopped at its very onset, for the longer it continues, the tighter its hold becomes on your soul ... I know.  When the Word instructs us to "take every thought captive unto the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) it's providing us with very specific and practical instructions for dealing with such thoughts as Fear and Anxiety that can ensnare us.  I'm not here to tell you I've become good at this.  I haven't.  But I'm better than I was a year ago today and I thank God for these lessons along the way. 

That following day, Jan 6th, was easily one of the worst days of my life.  I'm not sure it tops the list, but it's in the top 3 for sure!  Yet God was with us every step of the way and He remains with us today.  As we settle in to sleep tonight, our lives are no more or less secure than they have been on any other day.  Our sense of "security" and "normalcy" is a complete illusion except insofar as it is based in the faith that God controls all things.  Some of what God brings to us we enjoy, some we do not, but we can be sure ... we MUST be sure ... "that ALL things work together for good" (Rom 8:28) when we give our lives to Him.  This year has seemed like one gigantic test of whether we truly believe that to be true.  Some days have been better than others to be sure.  But we do know, that only when we rest in Him is there any real and lasting peace, joy, comfort, rest, or security. Gradually, I'm learning to do this.  Learning to trust God in ALL things - even with the life of my only son - is among the most challenging tasks I've ever been given, yet it is also clearly among the most important and eternally significant lessons any of us can learn ... ever.

We will be "celebrating" the completion of the first and, we pray, the hardest year of Daniel's chemotherapy on Monday.  It's been a difficult road, but we've been amazingly, astoundingly blessed over and over and over by God's grace, His providence, His comfort, and His love directly to us as well as through so many of His wonderful people who have gathered around us.  We thank you all and we thank God for all He has done, and all He continues to do.

Grace and peace to all;

- Tim -