Remembering A Year Ago Today

It's hard to believe.  It seems at once like it was only a month ago and also like 10 years ago.  But exactly one year ago on this day (the 5th as I write this), Daniel went in for a scheduled doctor visit to a specialist at Riley Hospital for Children.  He'd been having a lot of awful symptoms for a month or more and I had had it with waiting around on doctors to take us seriously.  I let this doctor have an ear full of my frustration and she patiently listened to me and, thankfully, took me seriously.  She ordered an immediate blood test and called me back within a few hours after I'd returned to work.  She said she'd taken the liberty of scheduling another appointment for us the following morning for a bone marrow biopsy.  I was happy she was being so proactive.  Little did I know what she suspected.

The next day, Friday 1/6/2012, the biopsy test came back positive for leukemia and our entire world stopped cold.  My first blog entry here tells the story, titled, "Jan 6, 2012 - A Date of Infamy".  What a year it's been.  We're still trying to put together our "Christmas Letter".  I guess it's a "New Year's Letter" now, but it'll be out soon I promise.  (I'll post it here as well).

Tonight as I tucked Daniel into bed, I'm still checking his temperature, asking how he feels, and find myself fighting the urge to panic at every cough, or ache,  or decision to go to bed early.  I do my best never to show TOO much concern and to temper it with a few "manly" father-to-son responses such as: "Ahh - suck it up boy", or "Walk it off - you'll be fine".  But if I'm candid with myself (and you: my dear blog readers), the truth is it's a constant battle with anxiety and fear.  Watching the Kellers go through the hell they endured has certainly had an enormous effect on me as well.

This year has been filled with MANY lessons - most of which I'm probably not even aware of.  But if I were to name the single, greatest, most persistent challenge that's plagued me (and I presume Andrea as well, but I'll only speak for myself here) it's been the control of FEAR. 

Fear is the enemy.  Fear is a sin.  Fear is our mind saying to God, "I don't trust You with the future. Deep down I think You either can't or won't do what's best for me".  The Bible has a great deal to say about Fear.  It is insidious, and must be stopped at its very onset, for the longer it continues, the tighter its hold becomes on your soul ... I know.  When the Word instructs us to "take every thought captive unto the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) it's providing us with very specific and practical instructions for dealing with such thoughts as Fear and Anxiety that can ensnare us.  I'm not here to tell you I've become good at this.  I haven't.  But I'm better than I was a year ago today and I thank God for these lessons along the way. 

That following day, Jan 6th, was easily one of the worst days of my life.  I'm not sure it tops the list, but it's in the top 3 for sure!  Yet God was with us every step of the way and He remains with us today.  As we settle in to sleep tonight, our lives are no more or less secure than they have been on any other day.  Our sense of "security" and "normalcy" is a complete illusion except insofar as it is based in the faith that God controls all things.  Some of what God brings to us we enjoy, some we do not, but we can be sure ... we MUST be sure ... "that ALL things work together for good" (Rom 8:28) when we give our lives to Him.  This year has seemed like one gigantic test of whether we truly believe that to be true.  Some days have been better than others to be sure.  But we do know, that only when we rest in Him is there any real and lasting peace, joy, comfort, rest, or security. Gradually, I'm learning to do this.  Learning to trust God in ALL things - even with the life of my only son - is among the most challenging tasks I've ever been given, yet it is also clearly among the most important and eternally significant lessons any of us can learn ... ever.

We will be "celebrating" the completion of the first and, we pray, the hardest year of Daniel's chemotherapy on Monday.  It's been a difficult road, but we've been amazingly, astoundingly blessed over and over and over by God's grace, His providence, His comfort, and His love directly to us as well as through so many of His wonderful people who have gathered around us.  We thank you all and we thank God for all He has done, and all He continues to do.

Grace and peace to all;

- Tim -

For Joey

For Joey;

All of us know grief.  This world and this life are filled with it – for some more than others it seems but we have all been touched by it in some way.  I have lost immediate family members and been close to many others who have as well – even just this past weekend.  I know the grief that feels like a 200 pound weight on your chest and wrap your soul in a darkness that seems both unbearable and inescapable - but I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. 

Unfortunately, I have imagined it a thousand times - probably more like two thousand actually, but I'm not counting.  About a year or so after my son Daniel was born, I began having nightmares about losing him – not just here and there but every night!  They were terrible, graphic, vivid dreams about not being able to save my son and having to watch him die.  I would wake up each morning in a cold sweat and shaking from having experienced some new and horrifying way of losing my son that was somehow my fault.  Every gray hair I currently have appeared over the next few years, not as a result of having a son – being a parent – but as a direct result of those dreams of losing him I am convinced.  There was a lot going on spiritually that I won’t take the time to go into here, but let’s just say the warfare was intense, and I now have a lot of gray hairs to prove it.

Until those dreams started, I had never experienced any fear, horror, or grief like I did during those thoughts and dreams.  For the several years that it lasted, it was the darkest and most difficult period of my life … until January 2012 … when Daniel was diagnosed with cancer.  I tried to describe a bit of what I was feeling in those early blog posts.  It had been awhile since I had finally overcome the bulk of the nightmares, but suddenly every one of them came back home to roost in that moment sitting in the recovery room with the doctor and the test results.  The initial estimates were for a 65% chance of “successful treatment”.  My ears roared, my vision closed in, my heart pounded, my stomach flipped, my throat closed up, my soul screamed in agony, and the world stopped turning

Though there were several ups and downs in the early days of his diagnosis and treatment, we eventually discovered that his form of leukemia was in fact one with a much higher (around 90-95%) success rate and the clouds began to clear a little.  Yet 2012 has been a year filled with constant wrestling against fear and struggling to hold on to faith and learning to trust God for every single second.  I watched my mom die a long and painful death from cancer the year I graduated college.  I've watched aunts, uncles, cousins, my mother-in-law go through it - some successfully, some not.  My wife Andrea was diagnosed with leukemia in 2010 and then my only son Daniel in 2012.

I hate cancer!

As my world began to spin again - in an entirely new direction - one filled with oncologists and hematologists and a new language of medical terms and procedures and protocols and charts - I found myself immersed again in the world of cancer and the people affected by it.

It was then that I met the Kellers and their son Joey.  As it happened, Daniel and Andrea had already known Joey and Elizabeth for some months.  Daniel and Joey had shared classes together at our homeschool co-op and Andrea knew Elizabeth from there as well.  As we began to cross paths more often at the hospital - both as in-patients and at the out-patient clinic, I got to know Joey and Elizabeth and eventually Nick, Joey's father.  Nick and I hit it off immediately.  We recognized in one another the same depth of passion, compassion, and willingness to do anything to save the lives of our sons.  Andrea and Elizabeth shared the same kind of connection as mothers.

I'll not tell the much more of the story here except to say that the four of us discovered in one another not only a deep love for God and His Word, but also a shared journey ... a quest ... to learn all we could about how to appropriate God's supernatural healing power for the sake of our families.  Though we didn't often get a chance to talk face-to-face, when we did we often commented on each other's blog posts, shared experiences, compared notes about what other people said and did and their comments, etc.  Without really knowing one another that well, we became very close in a way that I believe only God can orchestrate.

As late Summer and early Fall of 2012 began, Joey began to have serious problems again.  We prayed and prayed and prayed.  Joey, Nick, and Elizabeth and all they were going through grabbed my heart and wouldn't let go.  When Joey started having seizures in late September, I organized on-line round-the-clock prayer vigils for him and we saw truly amazing - I believe "miraculous" - results.  Dozens if not hundreds of people and families and prayer groups were praying for Joey constantly.  My own family - the 3 of us - were praying together with fervency and regularity like never before.  And for awhile, Joey rallied and we hoped and prayed hard and believed that God would grant our thousands upon thousands of requests, and spare Joey's life from this awful disease.

But in the end, it was not to be.  If human beings could, by force of will, influence the health of another, or if there were some inherent power in prayer itself, Joey would most certainly still be with us today.  But prayer is never about changing God's mind or somehow "forcing" God's will to bend to our own - though many seem to think this is so.  The Word tells us to ask God for what we want and to "pray believing" that He will grant us what we ask, but it is abundantly clear that God is sovereign and perfect in His wisdom and knowledge and power as well as his grace and love.  The Word is clear that God always does what is right and best and good, whether we understand it or not.  In this case, it is now clear that God's will was to "graduate" Joey from this life to his reward far sooner than we all would have liked.  And as absolutely heart-wrenching as it was to lose Joey, all those of us who know the Lord are, despite the grief, immeasurably happy for Joey and the perfect, "ultimate" healing that God granted him.  Shortly after the news of his loss, I found a picture through which God spoke directly to my heart and brought me some measure of peace for Joey.  Actually, I found several, but this one in particular ministered to me powerfully and continues to do so.  I still cannot look at it without breaking down.  It allowed me to "release" him into the arms of my Lord and to find some measure of peace and even joy for Joey's sake.

However, with that said, I can also state that this has been one of the 2 or 3 worst weeks of my entire life.  Because although I can actually bring myself to be happy for Joey, my heart is tied so very deeply to Nick and Elizabeth and their parents that I have felt utterly devastated - crushed under the weight of their loss and the future they must move into without their precious little boy.  I'd like to say I cannot imagine what they're going through, but the fact is, I have imagined it - a thousand times.  And yet I know that even my worst nightmares can never compare to the reality our friends are going through.  After all, I woke up from every nightmare I ever had.  Yet there is such a deep connection to their journey, their faith, their struggles, and their loss, that I was barely able to function for days afterward and still find myself in tears as often as not.  I wish there were something - anything - I could do to ease their pain, to share the load of their burden, or to bring comfort to them in these dark hours.  But only God can do that, and so I continue to pray ... for their comfort, peace, strength, courage, and faith to remain strong.  We remain committed to the Kellers and their parents to stand with them, pray for them, and serve them in any way that we might be able.  And though I realize that they will never fully recover from being separated from their son so early and in such a terrible fashion, we do pray that the Lord will bind up their broken hearts, wipe away their tears, strengthen their marriage and their relationship to Him, and help them to find a positive way to honor Joey's memory and legacy until they are reunited with him again.

Were Our Prayers in Vain?
No.  Absolutely not.  No prayer of honest concern and desire to help another is ever given in vain.  And no prayer by one who belongs to the Lord goes unheard.  Though I do remain confused about some of the things I had believed that I and others (including Joey Himself) heard about God's intent to heal Joey back to health in this world, I also believe that our prayers were effective in many ways in God's plan.  Without question (in my mind) we saw God answer our prayers for Joey MANY times over the past year (and many others have been praying for Joey much longer than that).  We saw cancer disappear from his MRI scans entirely. We saw him healed from the seizures despite the medical staff stating that they didn't know what was causing it and didn't know what to do for him.  We saw him rally back multiple times in multiple ways over the course of these last several months and I believe that in each of those cases, God was working through the many, many prayers of the faithful being offered on Joey's behalf.  I know that I personally felt a strong burden for prayer and was, like several others, awakened even during the night to pray for Joey and his parents during particularly difficult times.  For me personally, it really wasn't until the last few days that I even had any trouble praying with faith that God was going to continue to heal Joey and keep him with us.  I don't know or understand what changed at the end. Perhaps someday we will, perhaps not.  But I am tremendously happy and blessed to have had the privilege of having been burdened for Joey these past several months and to have put in the many hours of prayer on his behalf.  I believe every one of the prayers offered by members of Team Joey were effective and used to Joey's benefit and God's glory.  And ultimately, God provided Joey with a perfect healing from his suffering and disease in a way he could never have enjoyed in this life.

How I Knew, And Will Remember Joey:
I regret that I never knew Joey when he was healthy.  The only images I have of him are without any hair and most often in a hospital bed or wheel chair.  But far stronger than those images of his illness, are the impressions I have of his maturity, especially spiritually.  Through my own direct experience as well as through conversations with Nick and Elizabeth and their parents, and through Nick's various CaringBridge and Facebook posts, I came to realize that Joey has a wisdom and maturity WAY beyond his years.  He has developed a profoundly deep and personal love for Jesus and it was frequently Joey who brought encouragement, strength, and balance to conversations and worries of others around him - even his own parents.  In Nick's CaringBridge post announcing Joey's passing, he made the statement, "I can only hope to run a race as strong, and focused, and effective as you. In spiritual terms, I look up to you."  I know he meant every word of it because he said the same thing to me on more than one occasion.  And even for as short a time as I've known Joey, I feel the same way.  Joey is for me and for so very many others, a model of strength, wisdom, and maturity in many ways.

We know that God uses adversity in our lives to mold and shape us - as a "refining fire" through which we are purified and mettle tested.  It is my opinion that the sheer volume of adversity that Joey went through in his short time on this planet was probably sufficient, in God's hands, to accomplish all the work in him so often takes God an entire lifetime to accomplish in most of the rest of us.  Though I initially thought of Joey's passing as being a race "cut short", further reflection on who he is and how he behaved caused me to think that, perhaps, he just finished his race that much faster than the rest of us!  Certainly he has finished his race well and will receive a reward for this valiant fight that most of the rest of us will only be able to look upon in awe.  I am confident that God will continue to work through Joey's legacy in this life for many years to come and will bless countless other children through it.

Though Joey barely knew me, he has already had an enormous impact on myself and my family in our prayer lives, my understanding and experience with prayer and healing, and even our conversations and experience with cancer and hospitals ... an area that we will continue to look to his example in the months and years ahead of us.

As this Thanksgiving Day draws to a close, I realize despite the enormous grief I have been under this week, how very thankful I am to know Joey, his parents, his grandparents, and so many of the other friends from around the country and around the world that comprise "Team Joey".  And though in my own limited wisdom, I would so much rather have had him around with us for much, MUCH longer, I am grateful that I will carry these memories of him him as a great soul - someone who at barely 9 years of age, ran the race so as to win - and won.  And one day soon, I'll see him again in Glory, as a man, full of life and health and unencumbered by the trials he faced in this world.  If I can finish even half as strong as Joey Keller, I'll be a happy man when I meet my Lord face-to-face.

- Tim -

Staying the Course for Joey

I've updated this blog from its original text after Nick Keller posted some additional information on Joey's MRI.  The news it communicated was even worse than the original posting and frankly, after all the events of the past week nationally as well as some personally, it's been a real challenge to stay positive about anything.  But I found encouragement in my own words here in this post from yesterday so I thought I'd update the info on Joey and repost it in the hope that someone else might benefit also.

Nick's post from Wed morning @ 12:40a:

"We saw the MRI. Major growth on lumbar spine, brainstem, and in temple regions sort of growing towards the center of his brain. It WAS in CSF kind of "on" his brain, now it seems its growing into and through his actual brain cells and tissue. Wicked, evil disease. We discussed hospice and the reports from all relevant medical teams was, "anything else we could do will cause more harm and damage than any potential for help or therapeutic upside." They do believe his unusually high heart is do to the cancer spot/tumor/lesion on or in his brain stem. We flat out need a miracle. Otherwise, what he will have to endure, systematic loss of brain and organ function, system failure, ventilator again, it's unthinkable. They were especially concerned looking at this MRI vs. the one just a month ago (brain) bc Its really moving quickly. We have got to pray. All those scriptures I looked up and listed in previous CB postings on faith and healing, haven't changed. The promises regarding healing...haven't changed. We've exhausted every medical option that exists (due diligence.) Now, We look to God to do what only He can. All day long I kept thinking about the Israelites looking at the Red Sea, the Egyptians racing to basically cut their throats or put them back into slavery. They thought they were dead. Or at best, had no idea how God would get them out this, this time. Slaves for 400 years, finally free, and now this??? To die here, like this? All day long I've been getting texts from buddies and pastors from those very chapters. Don't believe it's a coincidence. The thought keeps going through my head, if its not impossible, it's not a miracle. Thx for praying for our Joey. "

We Christians should see this, NOT as a sign of defeat by any means - but a call to more fervent prayer and fasting on behalf of Joey.  Do not be discouraged.  Do not be disheartened.  God is much bigger than all of this!  What appears like a setback from a worldly perspective is in fact an opportunity for God to show Himself more powerful, more loving, more gracious from a heavenly perspective.  It is often God's "M.O." to ensure that all human means of "fixing" the problem have been exhausted so that, when He does move, there is no doubt to Whom the praise and glory belongs.

It is of course true that God does not always heal people of our diseases and infirmities. We live in a fallen world where sickness and death reign because of the existence of sin and evil.  One day all of that will be done away with.  In the mean time, we are commanded to pray for the healing of others in many places in Scripture ... to lay hands upon, to anoint with oil, to pray, and to fast for them to recover.  Ultimately it is God's decision whether, how, and when to heal someone.  "Prayer" has no power in itself and changes nothing on its own.  We must never credit "prayer" (which is to say Our Efforts), for that which God alone can do.  But we know that He commands us to pray, and we know that He chooses to work THROUGH our prayers.  So our role here is as clear as it has always been.  We must pray BELIEVING.  We must pray for what we (and others) need, and we must pray for those things that are consistent with God's nature - life, health, wholeness, joy, and freedom from pain and suffering.  These things are ALWAYS in God's will for us (and especially for 9 year old little boys!!)  [Matt 7:11, Luke 11:13, etc.]

I don't claim to have an inside line on God's will in this matter - but I do believe very strongly that He has indicated on MANY occasions in the past 2 years that His will is to heal Joey.  I have neither seen, heard, nor felt anything that would indicate the contrary at any time.  And so I will continue to pray, with all the confidence and faith I can muster, for Joey's complete and immediate healing.  If things do not go the way I believe they will, it will not shake my faith in God or in what I believe about His nature.  He is God, He is good, and He is faithful.  I am not qualified to judge Him to be otherwise, and no event in this fallen world that I can perceive through my limited and sinful existence can prove Him to be different.  But if such a thing were to happen, I am determined that it will not be because I did not steadfastly believe, pray, fast, or intercede often enough on behalf my friends Joey, Nick and Elizabeth.

I praise God for Who He is, for His goodness, and faithfulness, and grace and perfect love for all of us.  I praise Him that He has opened the way for me to come before Him and present my needs and to intercede on behalf of others, and that He has promised to hear our prayers.  I also thanks and praise Him that He has promised to always do what is best - even if I pray amiss - and that all things will ultimately work together into a pattern for good for those of us who are The Called.

Father, I thank You and praise You that You are good and holy and loving and merciful.  I thank You that You are in control and for all You have done for Joey and the Kellers to this time.  I ask You now to once again reach down into that hospital room and intervene on behalf of this precious little boy - Your creation - upon whom You have had Your hand and over whom You have kept special watch these many months.  Touch him now again and let your Holy Spirit move upon and within his body to bring healing, wholeness, and freedom from this disease of cancer.  In the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord, by Who's stripes You have purchased our redemption and healing, I ask that you destroy every single cancerous molecule and cell in Joey's body.  I ask that you prevent every cancerous cell from reproducing and cause every damaged organ, tissue, cell, protein, enzyme, and molecule to be repaired and healed.  Restore balance to his chemical systems and eliminate all unhealthy, damaged, and malignant elements from his body along with any and all sources of such damage, disease, and illness.  I also come against any outside forces - be they physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual - that would affect Joey in any way other than bringing him back toward total health.  I ask that You hold Joey and the Kellers in the very palm of Your hand and set Your hedge and Your guard around them to keep them safe and secure.

I ask You Father, in the name of Jesus, for Joey's life, for his health, and for his immediate healing.  Let your light, love, power, and glory fill Joey, his family, and his room.  Let your supernatural peace descend upon them and guard their hearts and minds in Christ Jesus and let Your armor remain strong and fast about them protecting them from the flaming arrows of the enemy ... doubt, despair, fear, and discouragement ... let them have no place in their hearts and minds.  Send forth Your angels and Your Holy Spirit to raise up an ARMY of intercessors, oh Lord, on behalf of Joey and his family that we may participate in turning the tide of this battle.

Thank You for hearing my prayer and for Your healing power as it moves forth to Joey even now.  You are worthy of all glory and honor and power and praise both now and forever.

In the mighty name of Jesus I ask all these things,  Amen.

If you are a Christian, please continue to pray, fast, and believe with me!

- Tim -

Not So "Fair" After All

The past two years, Daniel had to miss the Indiana State Fair because of his back problems (caused by compression fractures in his lower back from what turned out to be osteoporosis).  This year, despite the leukemia and being deep in the midst of chemotherapy, he was feeling pretty good when the fair came around, and his uncle Tom (no the other one) was generous enough to offer to pay his way.  The staff at Riley warned us to stay away from the animal barns due to the possibility of infection, but gave us the all-clear to go.  This bothered me a lot and I really didn't want him to go.  Personally, I have no use for the fair and couldn't care less about it, but both Andrea and Daniel absolutely love it and REALLY didn't want to miss it a third year in a row.  So in the end, I caved in and let them go (I worked most of the day and then tried to get some things done at home while they were both gone with the rest of my family.

It turned out to be a rotten day for me, but Andrea and Daniel had an absolute blast on all the rides.  Monday he was worn out & pretty tired, but otherwise seemed OK.  I kept my fingers crossed, but apparently not tight enough.  But Tuesday, he was complaining about lower back pain - far down a the very base of his spine and into his hips.  He was moving pretty slowly and not feeling that well by the time he got to his regular clinic appt. on Tuesday.  The only thing they did at clinic was to draw blood and look at his cell counts.  They had all dropped drastically from the week before. Not good news, but not unexpected with this phase of chemotherapy (at least it wasn't to the hospital staff. No one had bothered to tell us that this was expected. Grrr.

By that night though, his back was completely locked up and he was in terrible pain.  His prescription pain meds helped enough for him to get a little sleep and I slept beside him on an air mattress helping him through the night with going to bathroom, getting meds, drinks, etc.  It was a long night.  But he seemed to be doing better during the day on Wed. so we didn't call the doctor, but again on Wed night, it hit him hard - much harder even than Tuesday night and even the prescription meds weren't touching the pain.  He was struggling hard with depression and hating life. We talked for a long time, I gave him the maximum dose of his meds around 12:30, hit it with both ice and heat, and eventually around 2a he drifted off to sleep in our bed where he thought the mattress was more comfortable.

Thursday we called back to Riley and explained the situation and they brought us in for an exam and X-rays.  They were clear and the doc felt that it was really just a side effect of over-doing it at the fair on Sunday (now 4 days prior).  But he was also beginning to complain of slight hearing problems, joint pains, and some mild tremors.  The doctor and we chalked it up to the fair, the pain meds, and massive psychological overload. 

By Thursday night, he was feeling better (and some stronger pain meds were working well), but he was also running a low-grade fever.  REALLY not what I wanted to see!  Thursday night we both slept downstairs again and it was a relatively uneventful night except he continues to have trouble sleeping and is still constantly hungry as he comes down off the steroids.  But the fever was not going away. It was holding fairly steady between 100-101.  101 is the threshold at which we have to take him to the hospital regardless and ANY sign of infection in an immune-compromised cancer patient is considered a medical emergency.

If you've followed our story for long, you know we're no strangers to midnight trips to the ER with fevers.  But Daniel was certainly in no mood to head back to Riley again now with a fever.  But it topped 101 earlier today (Fri) and so off we went with Daniel EXTREMELY upset over these events.

When this happens, they do blood counts again, and also take "cultures" of his blood to see whether anything grows that would indicate a bacterial or viral infection.  And if his blood counts are below a certain number (and they were), he is automatically admitted to the hospital so they can observe him, pump him with antibiotics, and wait to see what the cultures do over the next 48hrs.  You can imagine his excitement at being told he was being admitted.

There was no room available in the usual 5th floor hematology/ Oncology (called "HemOnc") ward, so they found us a room in the Stem Cell ward next door.  Because there is a risk that he has an infection, we're in a private room.  That part is nice.  I came up after a long day at work to relieve Andrea and spend the night with Daniel. This is our usual routine for admissions as Andrea has a terrible time on the chair/beds provided for parents here in the rooms.  About the time I arrived, the doctor came in to do a nasal swab (insult to injury you know for poor Daniel) and we were told that they have already seen a few cases of a new strain of Swine Flu from kids who have attended local fairs - even those who didn't visit the animal barns.  Great.  Combined with the news from the Fair that they'd sent home all the piggies that day because they too were running fevers and the Fairgrounds didn't want to risk spreading infection among the pigs (yeah, what about us humans?) I was NOT a happy camper about having caved in and let him go in the first place.  This trip to the Fair is getting more expensive by the day for our poor Daniel.

The most recent "insult" was around 10:00 or so when the nurse came in and informed me that I will now have to wear full gown, mask, and gloves any time I'm in the room with Daniel.  I honestly thought he was kidding me, but that didn't last long.  New hospital policy, you know.  It's for the sake of the other kids on the ward and that part I very much DO get.  So as I sit here sweltering and trying to type with gown, mask, and gloves at 2am, I'm wondering whether I'll be getting any sleep at all.

But of far, FAR more concern to me is the possibility of Daniel actually having contracted something serious with his immune system so weakened.  In all honesty, it's been a real test of faith for me to stay strong about this and keep my eyes focused on the Prince of Peace.  Blood tests and nose swabs won't have results back for at least 24 and probably 48 hours.  His temp is down a little (99.8) but still not back  to normal.  His heart rate has remained elevated and even as he sleeps next to me is still reading 140. I don't like that either (below 100 is closer to normal).

So the next couple of days are going to be critical in seeing whether this is just a minor bug, or something more major.  Fighting a nasty flu bug is bad enough with a healthy immune system!  Obviously, we covet all the prayer we can get. 
   - For God to be glorified in all this and for His will to be done in our lives
   - For complete healing
   - For quick, clear test results
   - For us NOT to catch anything new here at the hospital
   - For no mistakes and good care here from doctors and nurses
   - For Daniel's mental state and perseverance
   - For Andrea and I to stay strong, healthy, and remain a positive example and provide wise counsel to Daniel
   - For us not to miss any opportunities we may have to witness or serve others while we're in the midst of this.

A HUGE thank you to all our friends and relatives who have been walking this path with us - whether in person or "virtually".  We covet, FEEL, and thank you for every prayer.

Ultimately, we rest in the knowledge that God keeps His promises.  "And we KNOW that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Rom 8:28).  So we thank our loving Father in ALL circumstances ... including this one ... knowing that ultimately He will work this into a plan for His glory, for our good, and that will somehow benefit others.  We may not see that good yet in this life - you never know.  But when we consider what all this might look like to us in 100 or 1000 or even a million years from now - we can be absolutely certain that the "inconveniences" of this lifetime will be remembered only for the extent to which we allowed God to use them in our lives to shape our character (which of course we will take with us into eternity) or to bring Glory to Him.  We pray only that we will trust Him enough to lead us through these valleys in such a way as to maximize the benefit - whatever that may be - of these trials.

To God be the glory both now and forever.  He is always worthy.  We believe and trust in You Lord. Help us to believe and trust You more.

Grace and peace to all,

- Tim -

Mirrored on our CaringBridge site here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal

Weekends at the Hospital

(Mirroring our CaringBridge entry here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal )

Weekends at the Hospital:

As I write this, Andrea and Daniel are off to the hospital again this morning for our next planned admission - the second of four for this phase of chemotherapy.  Though we're very grateful that the staff has agreed to shift these admissions to the weekend so that it's not so hard on us to stay the nights with Daniel, it doesn't make for a very enjoyable weekend for anyone.  Daniel was really dreading this again last night, but the good news is that there is no spinal tap this visit.  Finding that out made him a little happier.

I was rather surprised last night as I got out my copy of the chemotherapy protocol to which he's been assigned to see what was on the agenda for this weekend.  He actually got angry with me stating that he didn't want to see it, didn't want to be around it, and didn't think ANYBODY should have to "see their own chart".  I was dumbfounded.  It's such an opposite reaction to things like this than I had at his age when I underwent kidney surgery and had to go into the doctor twice a week for allergy shots in each arm growing up with fairly severe allergic asthma.  I wanted to learn about everything.  I had a collection of the hypodermic syringes (with needles broken off of course) - hundreds of them.  I even did a science fair project on how the kidney works.

But Daniel wants nothing to do with ANY of it and doesn't even want to have the subject discussed in his presence.  When we're not actually forced to be dealing with the subject, he wants it all as far from him as possible.  Clearly there's a LOT of psychological undertones here and most of this is a defense mechanism.  Some of it at least is unhealthy and I still look for opportunities to help him process through all that's happening.  I want to be sure he at least doesn't have false ideas or expectations about how things are going or his prognosis.  Worries and fears will kill us and we're not meant to carry such burdens even as adults.  Watching a 10 year old go through this - particularly one's own and only child - is soul wrenching.  On the positive side, he's been doing much better recently.  We've been looking for and finding more "fun" things to do and, with his counts improved, we've been able to have more visitors and get out more.  Last weekend, I took him to play LASER Tag - probably his new favorite activity - and that was a huge attitude boost for him.  He's been feeling & acting much more "back to normal" though he still doesn't get out of the house much.  This isn't so much because we won't let him as just the combination of schedules, weather, and limits to his own energy levels (not to mention Andrea's & mine).

I'm back at work today as I've been so much of the time this week, and last, and the one before that...  My team is up against some difficult deadlines and a LOT of people are stressed and putting in lots of hours.  I'm starting the day today with several hours of overtime already on my time card.  So in some ways, I'm actually looking forward to the hospital stays this weekend as I spend the evenings at least with Daniel.  It'll be the most I've seen of him all week.  I'm thankful that at least I'm enjoying the job.  That's an enormous blessing that I'm very thankful for in the midst of all this. 

PRAYER REQUESTS:
1. Please continue to pray for Daniel - he needs God's touch, reassurance, and comfort in his whole being - physical, mental, and spiritual. 
2. More & better family time for all of us, but especially Daniel, to bring more "FUN" into the equation to balance out the rest.
3. Better spiritual (and psychological & physical) leadership on my part so that I can help him process, recover, and build himself up in body, soul, & spirit
4. Along the same lines - that Daniel (and all of us) would be STRENGTHENED through these trials ... that they would accomplish God's purposes in our lives, working together for good both in us & through us to others.
5. Success and minimal (or NO) side-effects from the drugs or complications from all this
6. For Andrea and I as we struggle, seemingly more and more recently, with the stress, communication, and our own marriage through the midst of all this.
7. That God would be glorified in the midst of our family and by what others see / perceive in all this.  If God can use this as a witness or to help others in any way that brings glory to Himself, then all of it is worthwhile.

PS: Please also continue to pray for our friends the Kellers and their boy Joey.  Visit / join his CaringBridge site here; http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joeykeller

The Start of Phase 3

The Start of Phase 3

(Mirrored on CaringBridge at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/danieljmiller/journal)

 Though the circumstances of last week's hospital visits were far from desirable, it has at least afforded us an extra week's break before the start of our third phase of chemo.  It's been great for Daniel and he's show a lot more energy and better attitude than we've seen in a long time.  It's been an enormous blessing to all 3 of us.

This third phase, called "Interim Maintenance 1" consists of 4 hospital stays (3-4 days each) over the next two months where Daniel will get extra high doses of the drugs Vincristine and Methotrexate.  You may have heard of that 2nd one in the news recently as it's been one of the chemo drugs that are currently in very short supply from generic pharma companies that can't make any money from it.  So far, Riley tells us they haven't had significant trouble in getting what they need.  (hint: 1st Prayer Request).

Because of the extra high doses of this already nasty drug, they need to have Daniel under close watch for a few days after giving it to him. (2nd Prayer Request).  Because Daniel is still terrified of having to stay in the hospital alone for any length of time, we'll have to be there with him the whole stay.  Andrea and I are getting pretty good at tag-teaming it, and we've been VERY grateful for some help from other friends in this regard along the way also.  THANKFULLY, the hospital was willing to reschedule these stays to be over weekends for us so I don't have to miss any more work (or try to continue working after staying at the hospital all night-NOT fun!) 

This first stay, beginning tomorrow (Fri) morning, will also include a spinal tap & injection of MORE Methotrexate into his spinal fluid.  I truly hate everything about the idea of what we're doing to him ... except for the part about killing the cancer.  I'm reminded of the scene in "The Ten Commandments" where Ramses is accusing Moses to the pharaoh and adding little weights onto a balance scale for each accusation until it tips his way.  But then Moses adds a single BRICK onto the other side outweighing all the other points.  Well the ONE benefit of chemotherapy is kinda like that to me.  It's ugly, dirty, nasty, and horrible to look at - but if it does the job, it FAR outweighs everything else.

Ultimately though, our trust is NOT in chemotherapy, or even in miracles.  Our trust is in the One who holds the future - regardless of what it brings.  And though we shudder, and cry, and lay awake long hours trying to turn off the awful thoughts and images of what might be in our weaker moments, we know in our hearts that there is only one Source of Hope.  For if God is not in control, or He is not good, or He does not have our best in mind ... well then there's no such thing as hope ... only luck, if even that.  But we know these things are true for we know the One who IS the Truth.  And we've put all the chips on His "square" as it were.  It's all or nothing on God. 

And so - as best our faith allows us, we say with Job, "yea though He slay me, yet will I trust in him" (Job 13:15)  or with Daniel's three friends Hananiah, Azariah, and Mishael, "...If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.  But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (Dan 3:17-18)

Thanks for all your prayers and support.  We cherish and need every one.



- Tim -

P.S. Please also remember to keep Joey Keller and his parents in your prayers too.  Join their CaringBridge site here:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joeykeller

Glimpses of Eternity

Most things that come into our lives, whether good or bad, come and go without us ever really recognizing any eternal significance.  We tend not to question the good things that come our way; they’re good after all, we enjoy them for what they are and probably don’t even care whether there is significance beyond that immediate joy.  But the hard times give us pause. We wonder, perhaps hypocritically, “why did this have to happen?”  And we of faith look to God for answers.  Usually, we don’t get specifics other than a reassurance that God is in control; that all things work together for good; and trials produce patience and character and draw us closer to God.  And that is enough.  And it should be enough.  God owes none of us an explanation for what He does or why He does it, and His Master Plan is just that … HIS.  We couldn’t grasp it if we wanted to in our limited minds, knowledge, and existence.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons that can come from such times is this very recognition – God owes us no answers – and we MUST make peace with that fact.  The TRUST He expects of us, after all,  doesn’t come with qualifications: “I’ll trust you IF You tell me what’s going on”, or “IF You explain to me the eternal significance”.  Trust means we believe that God is God and we’re not.  Hope means resting in the knowledge that the future will be good because of what we know about God’s nature … so much so that we can be assured “that ALL things work together into a pattern for good” because God is Who He is.  He is loving and He is love itself.  He is righteous and righteousness itself.  He is graciousness and He is grace itself.  He is good and He is goodness.  For Love, Righteousness, and Grace do not exist apart from Him. They have their definition and existence in His character.  As I wrote in an earlier post, we can never hold God’s actions up against some independent standard of love, or righteousness, or grace because no such standard exists.  He IS the standard and these ideas exist in the first place because of Who He is.  Without God, there is no such thing as love or righteousness or grace.   And one of the most important and foundational truths that we can learn as we see Christian maturity is to trust Him for all things, at all times, in every situation, without explanation, without excuse, and without WHINING!  

The purpose of this life is NOT to make us happy and give us an easy time of it.  In fact, we’ve been promised quite the opposite – that this life will be difficult, the path will be narrow, and it will be filled with trials.  Learning these truths does not make it much easier to go through the dark valleys, but it does help process the things God allows to come our way and helps keep our focus on the Way forward.  I’ve heard it taught that we shouldn’t pray for God to remove the trials from our lives, but rather that the lessons they bring would not be lost.  That’s sound wisdom.  I’m afraid I’m not quite there yet though and I most certainly find myself regularly praying for deliverance and a swift end to suffering, be it my own or my loved ones.  Maybe one day I’ll be better at that part.  But when the answer comes back “Not yet”, it’s a little easier to understand why when I recognize my place in His eternal perspective.

Nevertheless, every once in awhile, He does give us the gift of a small glimpse into His plan – into the eternal clockworks of the awesome machinery that drives the universe forward according to His will and design.  We should always be extremely grateful when He allows us such insights, no matter how tiny.  And the glimpse I received a few days ago, if that’s even what it was, is indeed a tiny one.  But it brought me great joy to see the working of God’s hand in our lives and to be able to assign even a little “purpose” to an event that had actually caused great pain in my family’s and my lives.

If you’ve followed recent event in my blog here at all, you probably know about the misdiagnosis of Daniel’s leukemia that happened a couple weeks ago.  After having been told that Daniel’s condition was a more easily treatable type of disease and that the current success rate was in the 90-95% range, we got a devastating blow.  A very specialized cytogenetic test was done and when the results came back, they indicated that Daniel had a rare condition that was linked to a much lower probability of success.  In an instant, his prognosis dropped from 95% down to 60% or lower.  I briefly described the sensation of the world collapsing in around me in that instant and my own inability to even breathe.  There were some sleepless nights, enormous amounts of prayer, and a wrestling match with Fear that would have put Rocky to shame.  All of this served as an indicator of my own poor faith and shone the light on a number of areas that needed improvement.  But it also prompted a single text message to a good friend that set off a chain reaction resulting in a trip the following day to see an Amish healer named Solomon Wickey.  

I wrote briefly about this trip in an earlier post, but to summarize, we were granted a rare “emergency” appointment with this man who is known and respected literally world-wide for his healing ministry and has literally healed thousands of people from life-threatening and terminal diseases over his 30+ years of ministry.  We were in his presence for not much more than 10-15 minutes and he pronounced Daniel as having been “released” from the disease that was threatening his life.  We weren’t sure what to think.  We’re STILL not sure what to think.  I continue to await God’s direct confirmation to me of Daniel’s complete deliverance from Leukemia, but until that happens I feel I have no choice but to continue forward with the traditional approach – hoping – praying – believing that he is in fact completely healed.  And though the doctors reported only a few days later that Daniel had in fact responded ASTOUNDINGLY well to the first 2 weeks of treatment and was unexpectedly already in complete remission (they neglected to use the word “miraculous” of course! :-) I still don’t feel I have enough confirmation to pull him off of the chemotherapy.  Only about 2 days later, the doctors discovered a mistake in the interpretation of the genetic testing results and immediately came back to us stating that he was NOT in a super-high risk category after all.  His prognosis was still in fact in the 90-95% range and they apologized for the error.  Obviously, this was a huge relief to everyone and we thanked God for, in a sense, restoring our son to us (ala Abraham & Isaac in Gen 22)  But anyway, that’s not the point of this story.

It was a couple weeks later before it finally dawned on me that, had the doctor’s error in interpreting the test results not occurred – the tiny mistake that made for perhaps the darkest and most difficult weekend of my life thus far – I almost certainly would never have made the trip up to see Solomon Wickey.  And though I don’t know the results of that trip for certain, I tend to believe that some miraculous things happened at that time in all our lives.  And so the “lights came on” about how, in just this tiny little instance, God in fact kept His promise in a powerful way … that something that had the appearance of evil DID in fact work together into a pattern for good.  His hand was there at work the whole time, through the whole ordeal.  Not only was the trip up to see Solomon prompted, but I learned a number of things about areas in my own life needing work as well as some areas where God has already made improvements in me.  An enormous amount of prayer support was generated, and also wheels were set in motion that we believe will be bringing forth a series of events to help bring awareness, raise money, and bring additional glory to God through some good friends of ours (but more on that another time).  

It was literally in the same few minutes that I received this small revelation that God brought another thought to my mind.  If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’ve already seen this, but I had been contemplating (for obvious reasons now), Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”  Suddenly, the word “ALL” came to the center of my attention.  I’ve literally heard entire sermons preached on the meaning and significance of this word in the context of this passage.  It’s a powerful word.  But what made it especially significant to ME at this particular point in time was the recognition that these 3 letters A-L-L are also those used in the abbreviation of Daniel’s particular brand of leukemia.  It’s properly titled “Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia” – A.L.L.  And so, right after God’s revelation of how He had used the doctors’ mistake to in fact bring a unique blessing into our lives, He pointed out that … EVEN “A.L.L. things work together for good for those who love God…”

-          - Tim -

An Update & Some Prayer Requests

First, a huge thank you to everyone who has posted a comment or guestbook entry to the Caring Bridge site or the blog.  Please know that we read EVERY ONE and frequently go back through them again. Your comments, encouragements, and just letting us know that you're praying for us are absolutely wonderful.  Thank you all.

Daniel has been doing well and tolerating the chemo treatments better than average with regard to side effects.  Nausea has been very infrequent, and hair loss has only recently begun to show.  It's coming out fairly fast now though and he's certainly not happy about it.  The biggest problem is the ravenous appetite that the steroids give him.  He's put on about 10lbs in the past 4 weeks - a 16% increase in weight roughly equivalent to a 180lb person gaining 30lbs so you can imagine the effects on his body.  Combined with the bloating the steroids produce around the face and his gigantic belly, he's quite the site and becoming more and more uncomfortable.  It's exacerbating his back pain and the new brace that was made for him doesn't really fit at all because of it, so he can't wear it.  It actually causes him pain to put it on because the bad-fit forces him into an even more uncomfortable position.  The back problems continue to be a concern and I'll be pushing for more investigation / action on this front with the doctors this Friday.  This was one of the original problems that I was trying to get to the bottom of when the leukemia was discovered, but the docs don't believe they're related.

He thinks and talks about nothing but food and I'm having to be more and more hard on him about limiting portions, refraining from snacks, and drastically cutting back the total intake.  I'm really worried at this point that the food intake and weight gain will be producing it's own problems if it continues unchecked. 

We believe that this Friday will be his last steroid treatment - at least for awhile as we come to the end of the first phase (called "Induction").  He has another bone marrow aspiration and biopsy scheduled for Friday and, assuming the results come back as positive as we've been seeing, we'll then move into the "Consolidation" phase.  They haven't told us much about it yet, as the exact details are very dependent on these test results.  We know that it's still fairly intensive as far as the chemotherapy, but supposedly not as bad as this first phase.  I'm hoping we'll know all the new details on Friday.

This weekend, one of his good friends came over to play for a few hours and some of the girls from church his age made him a beautiful friendship quilt.  We were all REALLY impressed.  It was really good for Daniel too as I've more or less had him under reverse quarantine for a month now.  The good news is that his last blood test shows his counts beginning to make a slow climb again and the docs believe this is demonstrating the recovery of healthy bone marrow.  We want to see them continue to climb back toward the healthy / normal region.  Daniel is praying for the same thing just so he can have Taco Bell again!

Prayer Requests:
1. Continued good results moving toward (if we're not already there) complete and total healing
2. Wisdom, Courage, Endurance, Self-Control, etc. for Daniel with regard to food intake.
3. Sleep for everyone!  (Andrea & I tend to think/worry too much, & Daniel has insomnia as a drug side-effect ... so he lays awake all night thinking about food.)
4. Solutions / healing / wisdom about the ongoing & increasing back pain.
5. That Daniel will be able to deal well with the hair loss & other side effects - especially the visible ones - to his poor little body.
6. That all the lessons God has for us in this would be well-learned and that we as a family would continue to keep and protect the JOY of the Lord despite circumstances & worldly "wisdom".
7. That God would be glorified greatly through all this, and that others might come to know Him or know Him better through it.
8. Time management for me (Tim) as I try to balance work, time with doctors & hospital visits, & preparing for my upcoming Genesis class.

Kicking a Guy When He's Down

(Re-posting our latest Caring Bridge entry)

While Andrea and I were out running around today trying to get the house back in order enough to move back, my folks were gracious enough to watch Daniel for us for much of the day.  Unfortunately, while I was out and about, I got a call from Daniel's grandparents that he had fallen in the house and injured his back again.  I couldn't tell how bad it was over the phone, but clearly he didn't want to move and was asking for me to come home to help him get to the bathroom.  Luckily, I wasn't that far away! 

His back injuries of course, are what started us down this whole road about 2 years ago leading to the initial diagnosis of Juvenile Osteoporosis - an extremely rare disease in children.  It took nearly a year and 6 different doctors to get him diagnosed correctly and on the right treatments for that.  But when we realized that he wasn't growing or putting on weight and seeming to grow more and more lethargic, we began seeking additional help. Clearly the osteoporosis wasn't the whole story.  A year later, here we are with leukemia and we're STILL not certain we've gotten to the bottom of things.

His bones were responding well to the osteoporosis medication, but now that were on chemotherapy, one of its side effects is that it can again lower his bone density.  In fact, the medication he has been on for the osteoporosis is often given to leukemia patients anyway for precisely this reason.  So we have no idea what shape his bone density is in at the moment and to have another back injury like this really a complication we just don't need.  Previously, he'd actually had a number of compression fractures in his spine that helped lead to the correct diagnosis (once we found a doctor that could actually read an X-ray ... but don't get me started on that!)

He's resting well now and a combination of ice, heat, and Tylenol with Codeine seems to have done the trick for the moment.  Tomorrow will likely tell a clearer tale.

Daniel has really been struggling with depression lately and it's difficult to get him to talk about his feelings ... but I keep prying.  Today's "insult" certainly didn't help.  But it did give me the opportunity to open the subject more and have a good talk with him about keeping our joy and peace even in the midst of trials.  We talked about taking every thought captive, about the peace of God and how it's different from the peace the world offers, and about not letting the devil, or circumstances steal our joy ... or any other of the Spirit's fruits from us.  It seemed to cheer him up a lot and we talked and laughed for a good 1/2 hour or 45 minutes.  Then he went straight to sleep and is now resting soundly.  A real blessing to see after seeing him struggle so much recently to get even a few hours of sleep.

Andrea returned home just a few minutes ago from cleaning at the house all day long.  She's completely beat. A HUGE THANK YOU to our two friends who were able to drop by today for a few hours to help. Your generosity is GREATLY appreciated! 

I had hoped to be able to get us back into the house by the end of this weekend, but the situation just hasn't quite worked out.  We're getting closer, but there's a lot left to do just to satisfy me that things are CLEAN enough for Daniel's severely compromised immune system.  But we're closer and my wonderful folks have been extremely patient in letting us stay with them while the house is under construction.  We certainly couldn't get through this without all the wonderful friends and family around us.

Thank you all for your prayers and continued support.  We continue to solicit and value your prayers the most.  Please pray for:
1. Daniel's continued recovery and lessened effects from the chemo drugs.
2. A quick recovery from today's back injury
3. That he (and all of us) continues to keep a positive attitude and trust in the Lord for the future - focusing here and now on peace and joy rather than negativity and despair
4. That my and especially Andrea's health would hold out while our lives are so disrupted as we try to get the house back in order and get back to some level of "normalcy" as soon as possible
5. Our finances.

Trusting God in the Hard Times

First - my apologies for a really long post.  These thoughts have been on my mind a lot recently and I've found that sharing them with others has often been fruitful in both my own life and theirs.  I capture them here in the hope that God can use them in yours as well.

Trusting God in the Hard Times

Given recent events in our lives, I thought I would capture a few things that God has been teaching me over these past few years.   In part, it’s because the writing process is helpful to me in reminding myself of these important truths, and it’s also in response to a number of folks who have asked or commented to the effect of wondering how we get through the dark times.

First let me say that this writing in NO WAY should communicate that I’ve got it figured out, that this is easy, or that I don’t fail miserably at this on a frequent basis.  Trials are hard; sometimes they seem impossibly hard.   But having discovered these simple truths from Scripture has been enormously helpful to us when times are at their darkest.  I’d like to share 3 of these truths that seem to cover the vast bulk of what I need to hear most when I fail to trust God.

UNDERSTANDING FEAR:

  The first truth is to recognize that Fear is a sin.  This was a shock to me when I discovered it.  I had always reckoned that fear was just a basic human emotion.  And by “fear” here, I mean anxiety about the future – worry – not the feeling you have when you suddenly notice the Mack truck about to flatten you if you don’t do something quick … that’s a good thing.   But fear of the future, or anxiety, is in fact sin.   Revelation lists “the fearful” (that group of people who characteristically exhibit fear / anxiety) in the same list as a number of other sins that we would immediately characterize as being among the worst sins humans could commit against God.

 He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.  But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. -- Revelation 21:8

Fear can be characterized as the opposite of Faith. He who fears the future does not trust that God is both Master of it, and has each of our best interests at heart.  Fear is born of Satan and he tempts and tests us with it regularly.  1 John 4:18 goes on to explain that “perfect love casts out all fear” and “He that feareth is not made perfect in love”.  It is no coincidence so many times when an angel appears to a human in Scripture, his first words are “Fear not!”  The Holy Spirit gives us the remedy to fear / anxiety in Philippians:

 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” -- Phil 4:6-7

Recognizing that fear is a sin was a huge help to me in learning to overcome it.  I’m not there yet, but realizing that it’s NOT unavoidable and is in fact offensive to God is an important first step.

ON QUESTIONING GOD:

By “questioning” here, I do not mean asking God questions in general – seeking knowledge.  Rather, I mean questioning His motives, His trustworthiness, His character, etc. … what we so naturally find ourselves doing when He allows trials to come into our lives and we can’t see a “good” reason for them.  

I don’t know whether it is a natural response or a conditioned response to question the motives of others.  I suspect the latter as born of experience.  The more we travel in life, the more we are likely to be exposed to, if not “burned” by, the ill motives and self-centeredness of other human beings.  We naturally grow wary and sometimes distrustful of others and often quickly jump to distrust others’ character & motives when they cause pain in our lives – sometimes rightly, sometimes not.

While most Christians recognize that it is wrong to question the motives and character of God – simply because we’re told we shouldn’t and that God is always trustworthy, I find that few of my theology students really understand why it is actually IMPOSSIBLE for us to do so.

We must first recognize that “questioning God” is really a quasi-polite way of saying we don’t trust Him completely.  We believe it’s at least possible that He might do something unloving, unjust, or unfaithful in our lives or the lives of others and we’re wondering whether some particular event might be one of those times.   But there are several fallacies in this thinking:

First, we have forgotten His omniscience.  In order for we humans to believe that we can evaluate God’s actions in any way, we would first have to know everything He does; all the inputs, all the ramifications, all the potential outcomes, and all the available alternatives to the decision He has made.  Clearly, we do not.  He does.

Second, we have forgotten His “eternality” an attribute of God’s nature that means He exists outside the confines of time itself.  God created time and space, but He is subject to neither.  He has seen all things – past, present, and future to our current location in time.  He knows the outcome of all actions – not because He’s really good at predicting the future, but because He is already there!  This is related to His omnipresence (He exists everywhere at once).  He is present at all points in the universe (space), but also all points in time!  This is pretty difficult to get our limited heads around, but that’s precisely the point here.  We are in no position to render judgment against God’s actions until we are as knowledgeable, powerful, and eternal as He is.

Third, we mistakenly think that the concepts of right & wrong, or good & evil exist apart from God.  We like to imagine that “right” and “wrong” exist independently in the universe as a self-existent standard of morality, and that we can hold God’s actions up against this standard and decide for ourselves whether His actions “measure up” against this standard.  But in truth, no such independent standard exists.  Where would it have come from?  Who would have created it?  No.  Rather, God Himself IS THE STANDARD.  What God does is, by definition, right and good and holy and just and loving and perfectly in keeping with all His moral attributes.  To attempt to hold God up against any standard can only result in judging the value of the standard itself, not God.  

So we must recognize that God is God and we are not.  He is the Potter and we are nothing more than the clay.  Not only does He have every right to do as He wills with us, but in fact, God CANNOT do anything with us that is not good and loving and holy and just and in keeping with all His attributes.  If God does it, then it is, by definition, GOOD.  If it doesn’t seem to match up to our own perceived standard, then clearly the standard we're using is the problem – not God.  This doesn’t make it any easier to understand why God does some of the things He does, it only means that to question His motives is foolishness and only points to our own ignorance and arrogance.

GAINING AN ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE:

This is actually a pretty big topic, but I’ll try to summarize it here.  One of the misconceptions that most Christians are under is the idea that we will be spending the rest of forever in Heaven singing Amazing Grace and playing harps around the golden gates.  But this is not the Biblical picture of the future.  The destiny of Man has always been to fill the Earth. This is the purpose for which the Earth and ultimately the Universe was created.  This Creation has been damaged by sin and will be burned up and “resurrected” as a “New Heavens” and “New Earth” after the Millennium.  This new Heaven and Earth is our ultimate destiny and the fulfillment of God’s plan of grace toward us who believe … it is the completion of our “Great Hope”.  And like the original Garden of Eden, we will have work to do!  (Sorry if that's a disappointment. :)  We are told that we will reign with Christ as kings and priests, that we will be administrators in this new Earth, and be rewarded with rank and privilege in accordance with how we have trusted Christ and what trials we have endured and overcome.  These positions of leadership will require character and integrity – people of honor, and faith, and all the Fruits of the Spirit.  In order for us to adequately fill these positions, it is imperative that we allow God to shape our character NOW into what He has designed us to be such that we can fill those job descriptions with honor for our King.

This view of our final destination helps us better understand the purpose of this life then.  We too often see this world and this life as the whole shebang.  And the idea of spending this life mired down in pain, suffering, trials, and pretty much anything other than lots of fun, health, and leisure time just seems horribly sad to us.  We spend our energy, money, and time trying to make things fun, entertaining, and enjoyable for ourselves and our loved ones in this life.  But in fact, that is not the purpose of this life.  This is Boot Camp … Basic Training … a Basic CHARACTER Shaping Class designed to prepare us for the next several trillion years to come in the service of Christ.  And though I believe that God always gives us the opportunity to learn the lessons He has for us the “easy way” – the fact is, we rarely do.  The most lasting lessons are the ones that cost us the most and are test us to our core.  Having all those rough edges shaved and shaped hurts.  We love our flesh, and having it denied, torn away, or pummeled into submission is not a pleasant experience.  But the more we submit to God’s shaping and refining in this life, the more glorifying we will be to Him both in this life and in the ages to come.  

We MUST learn to see this life in proper perspective … in the light of eternity and all that is to come after this.  We must recognize our natural short-sightedness and keep the eternal before us.  When our Father allows trials to come into our lives, there is always something to be learned, an opportunity to grow.  He is after something new and good and of eternal significance in our character and experience.  The sooner we get that, and let Him have His way, the sooner we’ll be done with that lesson.  But that doesn’t mean the next one will be easier – probably the opposite.  Yet there is joy in the journey. When we allow Him to shape and grow our faith and trust in Him, we find peace and joy and love even in the “Valley of the Shadow of Death”.  And that kind of strength will go with us into eternity.  With those lessons, we will bring glory to our Master, and honor to our brothers and sisters in Christ.  This is not easy.  It’s hard.  It’s painful.  It’s gut wrenching at times.  But in it is goodness, and growth and lasting strength, endurance, and character.

A hundred, or a thousand, or a billion years from now, we will look back upon these events and see only their eternal significance, not the momentary pain we endured to obtain them.  Undoubtedly, we will all wish we’d let God bring us farther and been less complaining and petulant along the way.

I have found this viewpoint to be the most beneficial of anything else in theology for understanding and enduring the tests that the Lord allows to come my way.  It doesn’t mean I’m always appreciative or even remember the points I’m talking about here.  I’ve certainly shed my share of tears and cried out in anger toward God.  But like any loving Father, He forgives me, loves me, and gently encourages me forward.  And in the end, these principles eventually come back to mind and help me process.  I hope they help you too.

Grace and Peace;

- Tim -